Rob Re-Writes the Star Wars Prequels – Episode III

See the previous re-writes of the Star Wars prequels here:
Episode I “The Phantom Menace”
Episode II “The Clone Wars”


I hope you’ve enjoyed this perversion of the prequels. Wait. That sounds terrible. I mean, I’ve really just been scratching an itch I’ve had for a decade. Ok… that didn’t sound good either.

Confession time: I’ve written Star Wars fan fiction before (mostly when I was a kid), but I never tried to fix something Lord Lucas made. I felt honored to at least have more Star Wars films, even if they didn’t quite catch the original magic of that first trilogy.

But here we are. I can’t stop now. We must reach cathartic completion of this prequel trilogy.

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Alternate Beginnings – The Last Jedi


Tilt down to Starkiller Base. Han feels like he has been falling forever. He tumbles into the darkness of a seemingly never-ending pit. Han feels at his torso, the slight hole throbbing like an old imperial probe. His wound was cauterized by the lightsaber blade from his son, the infamous Kylo Ren.

Down and down he falls, tumbling down the rabbit hole. His mind searches for answers. How could he save his son?

Finally, he lands. On a mountain of fluffy Porgs.


Han Solo is alive, atop a bed of fluffy Porgs. He rolls over until he meets the dusty earth of the cavernous floor. He looks up. Starkiller base is imploding. The First Order is on the run. They have succeeded.

There is no time to celebrate for Han. The cavern is closing in around him. The roofs caves in, and, just before the mountainous rock strikes him, Han can be heard uttering his last words.

“Ah, Hell.”